My friends and I have a plan for the inevitable outbreak, like all good zombie fans do. We live in a somewhat rural area, but near enough to major cities to have us a little worried that, not only will the zombies eventually reach us, but scared people would soon be flocking to our local towns for shelter, food, and distance from the living dead. We all agree that they most definitely should be Romero's slow, half-decaying corpses instead of Boyle and Snyder's infected, sprinting zombies, because otherwise we'd be screwed. I write in my spare time, but I don't write zombie fan fiction. Most good ideas have already been had at this point anyway. But about a year ago, after discussing our plan at length, I decided to give it a shot in a short, rhyming story. So, addressing a little shameless self-promotion, here you go. And yes, the language is a bit excessive. Wouldn't have it any other way:
I was headed out on my way to work when I walked by a passive retail clerk who had empty eyes and a blank look. So I stopped him and threw a right hook, and grabbed the tire iron behind the seat and beat him down to the concrete. I knew this poor bastard had been bit and he would probably never make it. The R-town zombie invasion had begun. I knew the undead had finally come.
So I called Tyler and Sheebs, but they were already on their way to see me. There was a group between our trucks. So we sped up, jumped out and ducked. The sky lit up and left the group dead 'cause of all the nitroglycerin in the bed that I keep for situations just like this, 'cause I always knew that zombies exist. Out of ammo, so we went to the gun store ’cause we’d been through this before, but the guy at the desk had that same look and thirst. So we shot that fuck first.
I saw some zombie kids headed off to school, but to them I couldn't be as cruel. Rather than shoot them in the head, I ran them over with a school bus instead. John lopped off the head of an old bitch and she fell down and started to twitch. Kevin beat in a ghoul's brain with a spade like he was on a fucking crusade, and tore off another's arm with his own hands and beat down a marching band. Brock pushed a shopping cart full of kerosene at some fat chicks with ice cream and shot off a round that blew off their faces, and their hair, and their braces.
We hit the streets with shotguns and grenades as the zombies began to invade, and decided we probably needed an assist, so we called all our friends to enlist, but none of 'em lasted too long 'cause it was only we who had been ready all along. We blew up the mall and shot up Wal-Mart, but all of that was just the start. I rigged explosives to McDonald’s and BK, and then burned down China Buffet. We attacked every place where people go and left Richmond with a new asshole.
We hit the quarries on 121 and 227, 'cause the damned don't get into Heaven, and took two giant dump trucks 'cause they were dead and didn't give a fuck. Then we siphoned gas from Speedway and Shell after we sent them all to Hell, and turned the town into a police state and then we reassembled for our fate to blockade all of the roads and doors and load back up to prepare for more.
With Molotov cocktails and machetes, the fucking undead will never be ready for the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who severe heads and empty clips like a little kid begging for some candy. So sit back and crack open the brandy and celebrate the end of this shithole town as we four turn it all upside down. When you see us next you may want to grin. Otherwise we’ll have to kill again. The pandemic will spread across the USA. I've waited my whole life for this Z-Day.
Here's a little hint: are they really zombies or do we want this to happen so bad that we jumped the gun? So, do you have a Z-Day plan?
Unfriended: Dark Web (2018)
2 days ago