5 Items Apathists Need in a Zombie Outbreak

"Apathist: Ap"a*thist\, n.; One who is destitute of feeling." Throughout time there have been many great apathists. Even today there are surely a few. Unfortunately, due to the direct nature of their character, not a single name has ever been recorded in an historical document of any kind. It is in this relation that a great number of apathists are likely to survive an inevitable zombie apocalypse. Despite there being no chance whatsoever of an apathist being the direct cause of an outbreak, they will all ultimately be effected by it nonetheless. But their severe disinterest and complete apathy that hinders their capability to entangle themselves in any kind of action or physical exertion will increase their chances of survival almost tenfold. Don't get involved, don't care, and you'll be just fine. But what kind of items would such a lazy person need to continue living? Well, besides buying a warehouse full of Ramen noodles, converting your stairs into escalators, or hiring a maid that will soon realize she's not getting zombie fighting-related wages, here are five items an apathist needs in a zombie outbreak:

1. Whiskey: Why worry about shotguns or machetes when you have a nice, big bottle of Tennessee whiskey? I suggest stocking up on quite a few fifths now while you have the access, seeing as how the streets will be too overrun for you to care any longer, and as the days go by, you'll start to see your alcohol tolerance rise, thus depleting your supply. If whiskey isn't really your thing, go for the tequila, because it's a party after all. There ain't no party like a zombie party. There's no need to invest in shot glasses though. You won't have the need to show off in front of friends, because in all likeliness, they're either fighting for survival on the streets or already dead. So just kick back and have a drink in their honor. Or don't, and just drink to your lazy genius.

2. Sleep medication: A person filled with (or lacking?) apathy shouldn't have any trouble sleeping during everyday, routine life, but a ghoulish invasion is anything but routine. You may find yourself having trouble catching shut eye when the horde of undead are attempting to beat down your doors and break in through the windows. Even this may not arouse you from your pleasant sixteenth hour of repose though. But how will you sleep through the gunfire, grenade explosions, and screaming women and children being torn limb from limb just outside your house? Even for such a lazy, worry-free person as yourself, constant cries for help will surely require some sort of help sleeping through. Well, try medicated sleeping aids. No more pesky screams ending your dreams of nothingness. Just don't use item number one that day if you go this route.

3. Video games: Every passionless person wanting to survive the overlong boredom of a zombie outbreak will most assuredly need at least one good video game console, and plenty of games, to pass the time. Of course, the chosen games would constitute a library amassed with the likes of Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead, Dead Rising, House of the Dead, and Doom. Just don't count on getting much use out of the zombie maps on Call of Duty: World at War, because, well, the world is definitely at war now. What you don't want is a Wii though. No need to waste precious energy that could be put to better use by doing absolutely nothing instead. A Game Boy is an adequate substitute while on the pot, but its limited fun-ability will quickly run dry, leaving you with no other option than to continue drinking whiskey and passing out on the living room floor.

4. Journal: You'll want to keep a journal or diary handy, to record information on the events that occurred during all of the days you survived without ever really doing anything, or all of the people you could have saved but didn't feel the need to, or simply how much more quickly you can beat Resident Evil 4 with each passing day. There is bound to be at least one lucky person to survive the apocalypse by actually fighting back, and nothing will give you more satisfaction than showing that person, after they've seen such terrible horrors, that if they had just stayed home and relaxed, they might still have a wife and son. The real challenge though will be making more than a week's worth of entries before simply succumbing to only four items needed in a zombie outbreak. I'll leave that up to you, because frankly, I don't care.

5. Robo Chair: You really can't argue with this one (not that you would have the will to). With the advanced technology of the Robo Chair you can perform the simple actions that the other four items require, allowing you to never have to leave the sitting position, except for bathroom breaks and nuking pizza rolls in the microwave of course. And since I'm such a swell guy, here's the link to a site that enables you to order the chair online, meaning you'll never even have to leave your less comfy, less-zombie-invasion-equipped chair until the Robo Chair arrives. Now you no longer have any reason not to make it through the undead war alive, provided you don't starting caring about anything before the outbreak, like women.