Film Review: Zombie - The Beginning / Zombi - La Creazione (2007)

Directed by Bruno Mattei, written by Giovanni Paolucci and Antonio Tentori, and starring Yvette Yzon, Alvin Anson, Paul Holme, James Gregory Paolleli, B.B. Johnson, Dyane Craystan, and Gerhard Acao.

"After a woman returns home, the lone survivor of a zombie attack, she is considered crazy until a pharmaceutical company hires her to help them recover their crew that was sent to the same island from which she barely escaped."

Filmmakers, keep this in mind: no matter how bad your movie is panned by critics or the masses, or how many "worst movie ever" posts your film has on Internet Movie Database (don't worry, every movie has at least one), don't take it to heart. Nothing you make will ever be anywhere near as terrible or catastrophic as this dry pile of excruciatingly shat out shit. Nothing short of burning the original negatives in a fucking chemical fire could save this rigid bastard of a fucking movie. I don't even know what it's "the beginning" of; maybe a shitty series, maybe a cinematic enema. Actually, it's technically the sequel to Mattei's previous Island of the Living Dead, and The Beginning begins right where the other left off. Yeah, it makes sense.

Mattei is known for ripping off other movies, like The Terminator, Predator, Robocop, and Aliens. Even his Cruel Jaws was a blatant ripoff of Jaws (imagine that). This time around, he's back for more Aliens. Imagine a shitty director making an Aliens remake with zombies, and on what looks like a twenty dollar budget, and you have Zombies: The Beginning. There's even a nice "homage" scene of chest-bursting. Good for him.

If the fucking horrible acting, score, and special effects weren't bad enough, Mattei recycles scenes over and over. The same zombie attack scene can only take us so far, or so everyone but him thinks. Mattei even "uses some stock-shots from Crimson Tide (1995). Viggo Mortensen, Danny Nucci and Jaime Gomez can be seen in those shots." And God help us if the military practice the tactics and undergo the preparations taken in The Beginning. By far the two most bizarre elements to the film are the zombie/alien-like hybrid children with cone-shaped heads and the brain in a glass case that seems to run the whole show.

But it might be wrong of me to bash a dead director, who passed away in May of 2007, making this his final film. Then again, the man had far too many cinematic abortions to ignore. It took me three separate occasions to finish the movie. I stopped it and told myself I wasn't a closet masochist, but twice more I put myself through unnecessary pain. After finishing Island of the Dead, he decided to turn it into a trilogy, leaving the ending open on The Beginning. But I guess that didn't really work out. Tough luck. Spare yourself, and pass on this one.

Best quote: "...and all this bullshit that you think is so important will only be able to use to wipe your ass!"

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